After an unprecedented showing of collaboration and crowd sourcing, the Internet came together after the Boston Marathon bombings to help identify and lead police to the two suspects. “It was truly a beautiful example of how technology and social media are changing our society,” says bill sponsor Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger, “we’re very excited to announce that we’re going limiting people’s privacy on the Internet with CISPA.”

The Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act (CISPA) is well on its way to allowing the federal government warrantless searching abilities to your private files, as a way of saying “thank you” for the indispensible help Internet users provided in the detaining of a suspect of a terrorist act.

“The Internet did a great job pooling their resources together and helping the FBI locate and identify the Boston Bombers in mere hours using personal photos and videos;” explains FBI special agent Russel DeLacourd, “We’re thrilled that we will be making this type of thing easier by having access to these files without their knowledge.”

In the face of an unclaimed bombing, and as the news networks bumbled leads and created misinformation, the Internet collectively rose to the challenge of scanning through personal photos and videos looking for any clues that might help lead law enforcement in the right direction. “We’re just happy we were able to help,” shares Reddit user Rumplebum, “and, hey, if they want to reward us with some kind of accolade or personally invasive law that limits our liberties, that’s cool too.”

“We’re very grateful,” imparts DeLacourd, “I wish we knew the best way to show our gratitude to the Internet. And thanks to CISPA, we’re about to spend plenty of man hours going through their personal files and documents to find it out.”**

**Note: This is satirical. It is not a real news article. I mean, this is what is happening on the Internet right now, and the events did take place. But the names and quotations are fake. Except for the name of the guy who sponsored CISPA. That’s his real name. Some things you can’t make up.

- Justin Bieber could face 6 months in jail on alleged assault charges turning his song “Boyfriend” into propaganda for an all out prisoner bidding war.

- Losing to Obama could cost Mitt Romney up to $5 million in personal taxes, or as he calls it: “let’s shave that gay kid”

- Facebook may soon allow children under 13 to join their site as a part of their “Keep Chris Hansen employed” initiative

- Mr. Trololo passed away but his face still has as much movement as it always has: None.

- Miley Cyrus got engaged to hunger games star Liam Hemsworth. She said she looks forward to the wedding and hopes all of her future ones will be this exciting.

And that’s what happened this past week!

Watching Al Jazeera’s Japan earthquake coverage, I just heard that Los Angeles is a city that is considered to be well prepared for Earthquakes.

Um… have people been keeping some things from me? Because here are my steps if we ever have an earthquake:

Step 1: Yell “You guys feeling that?”

It’s always good to check with others to see if they are feeling the ground beneath your feet shake. After all, this is Los Angeles, and we tend to get drug (perscription or otherwise) induced shakes from time to time. If someone responds that, yes, indeed the earth is quaking; proceed to:

Step 2: FREAK THE FUCK OUT

You’re in an Earthquake. How will people remember you when you die. Probably fondly. Quick, erase your Internet history. Does a joke come to mind? Can you tweet it? There’s no time. Maybe if you could concentrate, because normally you’re hilarious, but instead you:

Step 3: Desperately try to remember your 3rd grade earthquake training

Do I get under a desk? I don’t have a desk. Under a bed? That can’t be safe. The doorway! Yes, the doorway! Wait, didn’t someone tell you that they changed what you’re supposed to do during an earthquake? Now you’re supposed to lie down next to something so if the ceiling falls it doesn’t crush you? What if it just falls on you and misses the object completely? Why can’t these people just make up their damn mind. Do forcefields exist?

Step 4: Try to make a forcefield.

This was a stupid idea.

Step 5: Go with the doorway thing.

Jump into the doorway. Weeping openly and with all your might, hold yourself in place and await what comes next. Realize the shaking stopped and your roommates are now staring at you. Let go of the doorway and go back to your room to try and find your dignity and a new pair of underwear.

In other words, when the big one hits. Remember me fondly, and ignore my browser history.

Super prepared,

Ross