Watching Al Jazeera’s Japan earthquake coverage, I just heard that Los Angeles is a city that is considered to be well prepared for Earthquakes.

Um… have people been keeping some things from me? Because here are my steps if we ever have an earthquake:

Step 1: Yell “You guys feeling that?”

It’s always good to check with others to see if they are feeling the ground beneath your feet shake. After all, this is Los Angeles, and we tend to get drug (perscription or otherwise) induced shakes from time to time. If someone responds that, yes, indeed the earth is quaking; proceed to:

Step 2: FREAK THE FUCK OUT

You’re in an Earthquake. How will people remember you when you die. Probably fondly. Quick, erase your Internet history. Does a joke come to mind? Can you tweet it? There’s no time. Maybe if you could concentrate, because normally you’re hilarious, but instead you:

Step 3: Desperately try to remember your 3rd grade earthquake training

Do I get under a desk? I don’t have a desk. Under a bed? That can’t be safe. The doorway! Yes, the doorway! Wait, didn’t someone tell you that they changed what you’re supposed to do during an earthquake? Now you’re supposed to lie down next to something so if the ceiling falls it doesn’t crush you? What if it just falls on you and misses the object completely? Why can’t these people just make up their damn mind. Do forcefields exist?

Step 4: Try to make a forcefield.

This was a stupid idea.

Step 5: Go with the doorway thing.

Jump into the doorway. Weeping openly and with all your might, hold yourself in place and await what comes next. Realize the shaking stopped and your roommates are now staring at you. Let go of the doorway and go back to your room to try and find your dignity and a new pair of underwear.

In other words, when the big one hits. Remember me fondly, and ignore my browser history.

Super prepared,

Ross