To Whom I May Concern:

Let me be the first to say that it’s no longer adorable that you don’t know how to use a computer. I understand that there are many different levels of computing abilities but we’re at the point that even if you’ve never seen a computer before, the internet is intuitive enough that in order to screw some of these things up you’d have to be more blind than Sandra Bullock was when she thought marrying someone named JESSE JAMES was a good call.

Now, I’m not ragging on grandparents here, mostly because after taking some classes at the Learning Annex my Grandma can now hack into the public library system and erase all her overdue fees (Hi Grandma, Love you), but rather people of Generation X and Y that have refused to adapt to the changing ways. I’m not really worried about offending anyone with this post as anyone that would be offended by it is probably spelling Tumblr with an “e.”

With this I bring you the 5 WAYS TO LOOK LIKE A n00b ON THE INTERNET

1) Sign your Facebook posts

We know you wrote it. Your name is at the top of the post. And even if that was too confusing, there’s a nice picture that you’ve selected of yourself just in case I know too many Steve Poleschuks. This isn’t a technology thing. This is a common sense thing.

2) Not knowing how a video chat works

This has been the most dreamed about feature of the future since I can remember. And yet you still don’t get how it works? See that little picture of you in the bottom corner? Yeah, that’s what we’re seeing as well. Now you see how only the top half of your head is in the frame? You got it! That’s all we’re seeing. Adjust. Thanks, that’s perfect. Common sense tells us that a camera will only pick up what it’s pointed at, so the fact that you can see something you’re trying to point out to me and you’re confused that I can’t see it is no longer funny, only frustrating.

3) Reply All

More people need to learn this than I originally thought. There are two ways to reply to an email: replying to the sender, and replying to every recipient on that video of a cat playing a keyboard. Please learn that unless you are absolutely certain your response to the entire office is going to be filled with embarrassing facts about your weekend, you only send it to the person who emailed you initially.

4) Posting something and a follow up post about how you don’t know how to delete it

See that text that says “Delete”? A safe bet would be that clicking on it would either complete that action or instruct you towards it’s completion. Too many times have I seen people posting after themselves explaining that they meant to delete their previous post. Once hilarious, now very sad.

5) Not knowing the Google can do everything

I’m serious. Email, videos, diagnosis, future investment predictions, math; anything. Don’t ever ask me anything again, because here’s what I do:

You: Ross, what is ____________?

Ross: Ask me again.

You: What is ________?

Ross: ________?

You: Yes.

Ross types ___________ into Google

Ross: ::Reads off response::

You: Thanks! You’re a genius*!

*Author’s note: Just spelled genius wrong and Googled the way to spell it correctly. Case and point.

There you have it. My secret. Now go and Google everything and never ask me anything ever again.