The hardest part about sadness for me is my lack of tolerance for it.

We hear it all the time:

“Don’t be sad”

“Cheer up”

Not once has that ever made me feel better. In fact, it’s made me feel like I was letting those around me down, ironically driving me deeper into sadness (or at the very least, adding another layer onto it).

It wasn’t until I was listening to Ram Dass “Experiments In Truth” that I developed a new appreciation for sadness. To briefly sum up his point - looking at someone who isn’t self-aware as “less than” someone who is, is a form of righteousness. It leads to a ranking system that isn’t true.

I started to think about what I look down on: sadness. I have no tolerance for it in others. I have no tolerance for it in myself.

I find it painful and, in addition, I’ve been rewarded my entire life for being happy and pleasant to be around by those I love. OF COURSE I WOULDN’T LET MYSELF BE SAD WITH THAT UPBRINGING.

But sadness is human, it’s an emotion just as important and present as happiness. Yet, any time it arises I shame myself for it - allowing it to control and define me.

So, I gave myself permission to feel sad. I acknowledge that it’s a feeling - a natural one, at that - and if Inside Out taught us anything, it’s that sadness is important (and voiced by Phyllis from The Office).

I felt sad. I felt it and watched it. I admired it. I embraced it. I made peace with it.

The worst part of my sadness was my battle with it. But once I stopped fighting, it ran it’s course. And the moments I spent in it weren’t intolerable. In fact, they became peaceful.

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s important to feel sad. I give you permission to feel sad.

And if people have a problem with it, it’s because they haven’t given themselves permission to feel sad yet.

Here’s the big takeaway: you are not your sadness. Sadness is merely something you are experiencing. It is a feeling- an emotion. Emotions are like waves in the ocean: they wash over us and they pass. If we fight them, they hit harder, but if we surf with them we can ride that wave.

Ride that sadness wave, baby. You have full permission to.

They take away our freedom while trying to ensure

A future fit for all mankind they think that we’d prefer

But man just wants his freedom, to live as he should choose

And they think that they’re protecting us, from something we can lose

But losing’s not an option. Never has been, never will

So you can let your guard down, and trust in man’s free will

The poor will unify the heartfelt, and they’ll fulfill each other

And we will choose our own pathways to help out one another

But if it’s been decided, by an overseeing group

Eventually the people will catch on and rise together with a coup

The tighter that you hold it, it can’t go on forever

Your resistance only correlates to the size mess of this endeavor

I get that you’re afraid, that you think that you know best

For you all went to Harvard, and know better than the rest

But Harvard can not teach you what the heart already knows

Power’s not forever, but rather ebbs and flows

So look into the eyes, of the people calling out

While their words may not be uniform, they’re United there’s no doubt

They say the system is broken, it’s been broken for some time

“It’s time for change and freedom to bring me what is mine”

They’re not talking about items, they’re talking about choice

For to silence all the people, just give them back their voice.

You will meet people for whom you want to change who you are. That last sentence is grammatically correct, and is also a great example of what I’m about to say. Bear with me.

You will come across people who want something different that what you are. Here’s an example: I loved a girl who once told me “I love a guy with tattoos” and I immediately thought “I should get a tattoo.”

I don’t want a tattoo. I never have. I’ve thought about it before and decided against it, independently of the thoughts of others. I know this about myself. Yet, in this brief moment- I seriously considered getting a tattoo.

I didn’t get one. I recognized the thought as me trying to change myself to fit the mold of what someone else wanted, but you get the point. Some of us have a deep desire to please people that we care about (I am guilty of this) and others will consider changing themselves to earn the affections of those they desire (I am also guilty of this).

But here’s what I want to tell you: you are not helping ANYONE by changing yourself for them.

First, I’ve realized the importance of seeing others as strong and capable. If I look at the people I encounter as able to handle anything that comes across their life, suddenly the need to cater to them declines.

What I realized is that by trying to please someone by changing something about myself, I was actually viewing them as fragile or incapable in some way of handling (or accepting) me in my entirety. Some will call this “making yourself smaller for the sake of others”. I’ve spent years of my life doing this and continue to do it in some ways to this day (it’s a slow process).

The other element of this is changing yourself to gain the affection of someone. That’s a temporary fix. Had I gotten that tattoo that wasn’t true to me it would’ve been inauthentic- and nothing stinks more than inauthenticity. Inauthentic actions or behaviors might work initially, but they don’t last over time. It’s like holding a bag of groceries, it could be easy at first, but the longer you carry it the heavier it feels until it’s unbearable. They’ll know it, you’ll know it, and no one will be happy. In fact, I’ve found that people appreciate a respectful difference. It shows an inner strength, confidence, and self-understanding that is incredibly attractive.

So, back to that first sentence. It’s the sentence that I wanted to write (because the other way sounded funky to me). I worried that the less educated would be turned off and wouldn’t read further. I worried that someone, somewhere looking at this would be turned off or distracted. I worried so I wanted to change it. And in not changing it, I’m giving those people the opportunity to push past something; to be bigger than they were before. It’s their opportunity to take it, but in standing in what’s true to me, I’m providing it for them.

My wish for you reading this right now is that you go be you. Unwaiveringly, truly, and from a place of love and compassion for everyone you come into contact with. They are big, strong people and can handle anything your put in front of them from that place. See them this way and they will surprise you.

Love,

Ross

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My guest this week is the fantastically insightful Mark Shapiro of The One and Only Podcast. Mark talks about loving the parts of you that make you unique and how the things you like least about yourself can actually reveal your greatest strengths.

This is one of the most unique podcasts I’ve ever posted as I talk A LOT more than I had initially set out to. I think it’s good because you all get a chance to see me doing some digging into my life around the aspects of it that I’m looking to grow and expand.

THIS WEEK’S MISSION: Think about something that you’re going through in your life and choose and episode of Mark’s podcast to listen to. Pay attention to the lessons that directly contribute to what you were just thinking about.

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